EMPOWER

On paper, New Haven appeared to be a safe place of healing and growth; little did I know that I was walking into a dangerous and toxic environment that would change my life forever.

At the first campus I attended, I noticed a student bullying another student with developmental disabilities. When I reported it, nothing was done. Admittedly, I did not handle my frustration appropriately. Eventually, I got into a physical altercation with the bully. The other kids pulled us apart. We were already separated and de-escalated by the time staff arrived. Despite the resolution, I was placed in a “hold”. A male employee crossed my arms in front of me and used his body weight to push me into the ground. Someone else held my legs down. I was gagging, gasping and pleading for them to stop. As I began to lose consciousness I thought I was going to die. The rest of the incident is a blur, but I was left with headache, bruises, and it hurt to breathe for weeks.

Following the hold, I was taken to the administration area to be isolated and placed on a communication block or “comm block.” The room was completely empty, although at some point they did bring in a mattress. I was not allowed to speak or be spoken to. Food was brought to me, but the staff did not say anything or even make eye contact. I only used the bathroom at designated periods and under direct supervision. When I used the bathroom, I had to keep the door open and sing. It felt good to use my voice to sing because I had been remaining silent.

After a few days I was transferred to another campus where my isolation and comm block continued. I was denied therapy and spent all my time in the “safety room” with one-on-one staff supervision. The safety room doors were glass, and I could see people outside and longed to join them. I knew I deserved what was happening, but I was losing my grip on reality and didn't know how many more days of silence I could take. I was desperate to talk to a staff member, a therapist, a teacher, my parents, a student, anyone. I no longer felt like a person with an identity, purpose, and value.

One staff member broke the rules and finally spoke to me. He provided me with the opportunity to reconnect with the world and made me feel like I was worth something. Our relationship began platonically; however, things quickly became intimate. I was 17; he was 21, and I entered the relationship willingly, so I am not sure if it's considered rape. That said, I believe he weaponized my past trauma and isolation to take advantage of me. Eventually I was allowed back to therapy, and I disclosed our relationship. My therapist did not believe me until our actions were witnessed by another staff member. The male staff was immediately terminated, but no outside agencies were involved. My therapist told me to take “accountability” for my seductive behavior, and I was advised not to tell my parents. I was promoted directly from Safety to level 2. I can only assume this was a result of my compliance.

Following the incident, my self-loathing became unmanageable. Unfortunately, I chose to self-harm. When it was discovered, I was taken to urgent care for stitches. While there, a staff member laughed at me and told me I was stupid. She told me that I would be judged for the rest of my life, I would never get a job, and I could forget about anyone ever marrying me.

I was overwhelmed by shame and guilt, and what little confidence I had was shattered. Nearly 100% of the staff were members of the LDS church, and I was quickly provided with a solution to overcome my sins. Despite New Haven being “secular” I was encouraged to read the Book of Mormon and had the opportunity to leave campus to attend the local LDS church on Sundays. Leaving campus, even for just a couple of hours, was motivation enough to continue investigating the church. I ultimately joined the church and do not regret that decision. That said, I was a suggestable teen and should not have been indoctrinated during treatment.

During the last few weeks of my stay, my roommate admitted to drowning cats and kittens of students she didn't like. As a sensitive animal lover, I began to cry, and the staff told me I was attention-seeking when I left the room. My roommate remained on level 3 and continued to be my roommate despite my objection. That was the last straw and, at age 18, I began to explore my discharge options. I was told repeatedly that people who leave New Haven before reaching level 5 are not successful in life. My parents were told to cut me off completely since I didn't complete the program. Ultimately, I knew I could not stay in the environment any longer. At New Haven, my agency had been stripped from me, and I could not protect myself. “No” was never an acceptable answer and would result in a “hold.” I could not say no to bullying, no to sex, no to feeling unsafe. “No” was not allowed at New Haven, and at 18, I finally found my voice and said, “No more.”

At discharge, I was driven to downtown Salt Lake and dropped off in front of a homeless shelter. I had the clothes on my back and my ID but no other belongings, a phone, or any money. My first night on the streets was hard, but it was a relief to be free from New Haven and have agency again. I found my way to the Homeless Youth Resource Center, secured food stamps, and eventually got placement in a group home. I got a job, finished high school, and was accepted to a university with a full scholarship. I finally found the freedom to discover who I really was.

I made many poor choices at New Haven, and there are so many things I would go back and change. However, New Haven is ultimately responsible for the sexual, physical, and psychological abuse that I suffered at their campuses. Unfortunately, there can be no resolution for me; all I can do is hope that by sharing my story, others will be spared the same fate.

FAST FORWARD 20 YEARS:

Although I may never fully heal from the trauma I went through at New Haven, I have found joy in my journey toward recovery. I graduated from college and enjoy working and volunteering in my community. I have been married for over 15 years and now have children of my own. Unfortunately, I know many are not so lucky. As I watch my children grow, I know that no matter what they do, I would never subject them to things I experienced at New Haven. I know desperate parents turn to New Haven as a last hope, and I can’t be certain as to what the solution is. What I do know is that New Haven and RTCs like them are not the answer.